Yes, it's the offseason, so I don't get around to doing many Sidelines. But this story was monumental. Chris Henry, after being a staple in so many of our chatrooms, was released from the Bengals this past week. One of our greatest sources of material has left the football field, and so we mourn. In this Sideline, we pay our final tribute to the troubled wide receiver.
-AKA
Photos link to player pages.
BengalsGM: /shuffles papers
BengalsGM: Mr. Henry, please come in.
**ONLINE HOST** OffFieldIncident has rolled into the chatroom in an enormous SUV with a 5 gallon bag of doritos.BengalsGM: Mr. Henry, have a seat, I have some news for you.
OffFieldIncident: yo man I already gots a seat right here in da escalade
BengalsGM: /clears throat
BengalsGM: Well, all right. Mr. Henry, after careful deliberation…
OffFieldIncident: /munches loudly
BengalsGM:
The Bengals have decided to let you go.OffFieldIncident: .
OffFieldIncident: .
OffFieldIncident: WHA
OffFieldIncident: /burps
OffFieldIncident: yo man whaddafuck?!
OffFieldIncident: how can u DO this shit ta me
BengalsGM: Well, see Mr. Henry, the thing is
OffFieldIncident: i had 21 receptions last year man, i still gots mah fuckin antwaan randle handles
OffFieldIncident: there aint no problem ya dig
BengalsGM: Mr. Henry, you had more erections than receptions last year. That’s a problem.
OffFieldIncident: well ye o course, gods meat needs ta get cooked every once in a while
OffFieldIncident: it just needs tha right seasonin
BengalsGM: You have had over 10 different legal problems in the last 3 years.
BengalsGM: The Bengals have decided it is best for the organization to stop financing your battles with strip club poles, and focus on getting talent elsewhere.
BengalsGM: We're afraid you're actually going to shoot someone again.
OffFieldIncident: yo i gots mah rights to wave mah metal dick around wheneva da fuck i want
BengalsGM: Goodbye, Mr. Henry.
OffFieldIncident: fuck
**ONLINE HOST** You have entered the Bengals Locker Room.
OffFieldIncident: damn i wont even have no locker no more
OffFieldIncident: gotta fuckin clean it out befo they give it ta sum twinklefaced rookie wit his dick tucked up his ass
OffFieldIncident: /looks at locker
OffFieldIncident: ima need a goddamn u-haul truck fa this
OffFieldIncident: /opens locker
**ONLINE HOST** The entire artillery of a small African nation has collapsed out of the locker in a giant heap, along with a year’s supply of sun chips.
OffFieldIncident: ma babies
OffFieldIncident: /sniffs
OffFieldIncident: /wipes tear with AK-47
**ONLINE HOST** DudeYourCarsonFire has entered the chatroom.
DudeYourCarsonFire: hey chris you want to play catch and HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT STUFF
OffFieldIncident: naw dude its chill dont worry bout it
OffFieldIncident: im just packin up mah oozies is all
OffFieldIncident: im not gonna be chillin round these parts no more
DudeYourCarsonFire: er ok have fun playing gears of war with the laundry hamper
DudeYourCarsonFire: I’m going to go find housh and play an innocent game of hide-and-seek
DudeYourCarsonFire: just don’t shoot me
**ONLINE HOST** DudeYourCarsonFire has bolted from the chatroom.OffFieldIncident: aights i gots ta leave mah mark here somehows
OffFieldIncident: /places 5 gallon sun chip bag on giant altar
OffFieldIncident: wait it needs some a that chris henry touch
OffFieldIncident: /urinates on it
OffFieldIncident: now its REALLY a sun chip
