Catch and Release

Yes, it's the offseason, so I don't get around to doing many Sidelines. But this story was monumental. Chris Henry, after being a staple in so many of our chatrooms, was released from the Bengals this past week. One of our greatest sources of material has left the football field, and so we mourn. In this Sideline, we pay our final tribute to the troubled wide receiver.

-AKA

Photos link to player pages.



BengalsGM: /shuffles papers





BengalsGM: Mr. Henry, please come in.



**ONLINE HOST** OffFieldIncident has rolled into the chatroom in an enormous SUV with a 5 gallon bag of doritos.


BengalsGM: Mr. Henry, have a seat, I have some news for you.






OffFieldIncident: yo man I already gots a seat right here in da escalade








BengalsGM: /clears throat





BengalsGM: Well, all right. Mr. Henry, after careful deliberation…






OffFieldIncident: /munches loudly







BengalsGM: The Bengals have decided to let you go.






OffFieldIncident: .










OffFieldIncident: .










OffFieldIncident: WHA










OffFieldIncident: /burps










OffFieldIncident: yo man whaddafuck?!










OffFieldIncident: how can u DO this shit ta me









BengalsGM: Well, see Mr. Henry, the thing is









OffFieldIncident: i had 21 receptions last year man, i still gots mah fuckin antwaan randle handles









OffFieldIncident: there aint no problem ya dig









BengalsGM: Mr. Henry, you had more erections than receptions last year. That’s a problem.








OffFieldIncident: well ye o course, gods meat needs ta get cooked every once in a while









OffFieldIncident: it just needs tha right seasonin









BengalsGM: You have had over 10 different legal problems in the last 3 years.








BengalsGM: The Bengals have decided it is best for the organization to stop financing your battles with strip club poles, and focus on getting talent elsewhere.






BengalsGM: We're afraid you're actually going to shoot someone again.









OffFieldIncident: yo i gots mah rights to wave mah metal dick around wheneva da fuck i want








BengalsGM: Goodbye, Mr. Henry.









OffFieldIncident: fuck




**ONLINE HOST** You have entered the Bengals Locker Room.





OffFieldIncident: damn i wont even have no locker no more











OffFieldIncident: gotta fuckin clean it out befo they give it ta sum twinklefaced rookie wit his dick tucked up his ass









OffFieldIncident: /looks at locker










OffFieldIncident: ima need a goddamn u-haul truck fa this











OffFieldIncident: /opens locker






**ONLINE HOST** The entire artillery of a small African nation has collapsed out of the locker in a giant heap, along with a year’s supply of sun chips.




OffFieldIncident: ma babies










OffFieldIncident: /sniffs










OffFieldIncident: /wipes tear with AK-47







**ONLINE HOST** DudeYourCarsonFire has entered the chatroom.


DudeYourCarsonFire: hey chris you want to play catch and HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT STUFF






OffFieldIncident: naw dude its chill dont worry bout it










OffFieldIncident: im just packin up mah oozies is all










OffFieldIncident: im not gonna be chillin round these parts no more









DudeYourCarsonFire: er ok have fun playing gears of war with the laundry hamper








DudeYourCarsonFire: I’m going to go find housh and play an innocent game of hide-and-seek





DudeYourCarsonFire: just don’t shoot me




**ONLINE HOST** DudeYourCarsonFire has bolted from the chatroom.



OffFieldIncident: aights i gots ta leave mah mark here somehows










OffFieldIncident: /places 5 gallon sun chip bag on giant altar










OffFieldIncident: wait it needs some a that chris henry touch










OffFieldIncident: /urinates on it












OffFieldIncident: now its REALLY a sun chip

Valet Parking is Too Expensive Anyway

Just imagine how bad it would have been if Paul Tagliabue had been a crack addict.

-AKA



Photos link to player pages.


**ONLINE HOST** You have entered the enormous SUV chatroom.





OffFieldIncident: /drives







OffFieldIncident: ok dawg so I was in the commish office a few months ago and he was givin me some bullshit about partying too hard





OffFieldIncident2: lol what a dumbass






OffFieldIncident2: so whatd u do







OffFieldIncident: so he was askin me all these questions an shit







OffFieldIncident: like “what do you want to do with your life?” “Are you interested in charitable work in the NFL”






OffFieldIncident: he wanted me ta sponsor some barbecue for poor kids in Chicago or some shit on a Monday






OffFieldIncident: and of course monday is the day I go to tha strip club in new jersey






OffFieldIncident: so im like







OffFieldIncident: HEY COMMISH







OffFieldIncident: more waist, less grilling






OffFieldIncident2: lol






OffFieldIncident2: hey pull over ta this here 7-eleven, im hella thirsty






OffFieldIncident2: i need my daily dose of sugar and caffeine







OffFieldIncident: ye you know what I could use a hot dog an some nachos







OffFieldIncident: /pulls over



**ONLINE HOST** ManValet has entered the room.




ManValet: Hey man, let me park your car for you.







OffFieldIncident: naw man fuck you, ima get some dope munchies so gtfo my way





ManValet: Er no.






ManValet: See, it’s my job to park cars here.







OffFieldIncident: YOU BE STANDIN IN THA WAY OF MAH MUNCHIES







OffFieldIncident: YOU KEEP ME FROM MAH MUNCHIES, YOU BE FEELIN THA CRUNCHIES





OffFieldIncident2: lol that guy is toast



**ONLINE HOST** OffFieldIncident wants to directly connect.

**ONLINE HOST** OffFieldIncident has directly connected.





OffFieldIncident: YOU KNOW WHO I AM BITCH?







OffFieldIncident: /earth-rattling bodyslam







OffFieldIncident: IM CHRIS HENRY, SO DON’T FUCK






ManValet: /groans






ManValet: who the hell is chris henry







OffFieldIncident: im chris henry






OffFieldIncident2: im chris henry too






OffFieldIncident: no youre chris henry TWO







OffFieldIncident2: man why i gotta be the clone



**ONLINE HOST** Commish_Is_Wise has entered the room.



Commish_Is_Wise: Here we go again…





Commish_Is_Wise: /chugs Heineken





Commish_Is_Wise: Gotta deal with the confusion somehow.



**ONLINE HOST** Millimeter_Peterson has entered the room.

**ONLINE HOST** Centimeter_Peterson has entered the room.




Millimeter_Peterson: hey guys whats up






Centimeter_Peterson: hey guys whats up





Commish_Is_Wise: Jesus Christ.





Commish_Is_Wise: /inhales Guinness





Commish_Is_Wise: This is almost too much.





Commish_Is_Wise: Just don't make me bust out the Samuel Adams.






AColdFresh_SamAdams: dont push it son